Just like all mental health challenges, stigma has a negative impact on the experience of grieving a loved one.
During a recent Facebook Live about grief and stigma, Gwen Mysiak, executive director and co-founder of the Western New York Compassion Connection, a Center for Grieving Children and Families, said we put so much pressure on the grieving person to get on with it, and get over it. There is a stigma if people need to cry or if they feel weak.
The recently opened Center for Grieving Children and Families in Lancaster offers peer support groups and programming for people of all ages who are navigating the aftermath of losing a loved one. Groups are peer-centered, encouraging and inspiring participants to work together to foster hope, resilience, and a healthy path forward. Each age group has a dedicated room in the center, ensuring an environment that is appropriate and comfortable.
Mysiak talked about the stigma of grief and the stigma of crying—and how a grieving person will often apologize or be embarrassed.
“Crying releases stress hormones,” she said. “As you support a grieving person who cries, it can be awkward, but push through it – let them cry and hold space for them. Instead of our natural reaction to get them to stop crying, normalize the moment.”
Daniel Distasio is the owner of DiStasio Funeral Home Inc. in South Dayton and Morse Funeral Home in Brocton. He shared that many people are afraid to talk about grief and death and that leads to stigma.
“I work with many families who don’t want to deal with death,” he said. “I see a lot of people who think they can just get through it – but the only way to help with grief is to talk about it.”
The experts offered specific Do’s and Don’ts to help support people who are grieving. The most important thing to do is listen. While we can’t fix it, we can listen attentively.
Also, avoid any statement that begins with “At least” as it invalidates a person’s pain. Saying things like “at least you have other children,” or “at least they didn’t suffer,” are not helpful or reassuring.
Mysiak also said that saying “I’m sorry for your loss” can be hallow. What’s better is “I’m sorry you’re going through this loss of your loved one.”
She also suggested offering specific actions to help grieving people and avoid the open-ended “let me know if you need anything.” Grieving people often don’t know what they need. Determine a specific task and suggest it—whether it’s driving a child to sports practice or mowing the lawn.
The more our culture becomes grief sensitive, and more people feel their grief can live with them in workplace, at a family party, or any life situation.
“Then we can begin to reduce stigma of things we’ve been taught in our death-denying culture,” said. Mysiak.
The experts also shared that there is no time frame or end time for grief.
“There is no time limit. I think we learn how to live with it and celebrate that person in the life that we’re living now,” said Jeffrey Sturmer, Pastoral care, Hospice.
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Avoid any statement that begins with “At least” as it invalidates a person’s pain. Saying things like “at least you have other children,” or “at least they didn’t suffer,” are not helpful or reassuring.”
